Life

hey!

I haven't blogged in a loonnngggg time, hehe, sorry bout that! I've been busy with school &drill team. I have maintained A's and B's...mainly B's, with one C in chemistry, I just don't understand chemistry! Drill team is calm right now, football season is over for us so no more friday night games. This is the first year, but I have joined powerlifting team...huuaaaaa*flexing muscles*hehe. It is definitly HARD, but hopefully it will get me toned up:)

Anyways, lately I have really been thinking about my life and what I want to do with it. I know what I want to do, but there are SO many things I want to do, I feel like I wont be able to ever do them all:/ First of all you all know, or most of you, that my dream is to become a traveling christian motivational speaker, and to get to speak at something big for teen girls, like revolve tour. IF I can't do that I want to be a psycologist, for a sexual abuse place, and for teen girls mainly. Part of me feels like i'm just not smart enough to get a degree in psycology.Also, I want to go along with Missionairy's to like Africa and help people over there.

Of course I want to graduate college, part of me wants to go to tjc(junior college near me) and live at home for two years, then transfer to abiliene christian. BUT i have to graduate high school first! I'm not worried about my grades or credits, its just that dang TAKS test! I take it this year for the last time, if i don't pass it i wont walk across the stage:(very nerve racking!Another part of me wants to just move right after graduation just so I can get out of this house and have my own freedom. The smart side of me knows that would be kind of dumb, because I could save money for college or whatever else living at home for two years.

After college I want to move to Nashville. Never been there but have always dreamed of it, plus I would have more opportunity there then here. It's about an 8 hour drive from where I live, it would make it hard for me to come see fam often.

There are so many things going through my mind about my future it's ridiculous!
I know i just need to relax and put it in God's hand, its just so hard to do!



p.s. one of my biggest worries is growing up and being a cat lady!haha

My Princess

I made her...she is different. She is unique. With love I formed he rin her mother's womb. I fashioned her with great joy. I remember, with great pleasure, the day I created her. (Psalm 139:13-16)

I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh, and the silly things she says and does. She brings me great pleasure. This is how I made her. (Psalm 139:17)

I mad her pretty and not beautiful, because I knew her heart and knew she would be vain...I wanted her to search out her heart and to learn that it would be ME in her that would draw friends to her. I made her in such a way that she would need me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be...only because I need for her to lean and depend on ME...I know her heart, I know if I had not made her like this she would go her own chosen way and forget ME...her creator. (Psalm 62:5-8)

I have given her many good and happy things...because I love her. (Psalm 139:17, Romans 8:23)

Because I love her, I have seen her broken heart...and tears she has cried alone. I have cried with her and had broken heart, too. (Psalm 56:8)

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone only because she would not hold my hand. So many lessons she has learned the hard way because she would not listen to my voice... (Isaiah 53:6)

So many times I have sat back and sadly watched her go her merry way alone, only to watch her return to my arms, sad and broken. (Isaiah 62:2)

And now she is mine again...I made her, and then I bought her...because I love her. (Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape and remold her...to renew her to what I had planned for her to be. It has not been easy for her or for me. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I want her to be conformed to my image...this high goal I have set for her BECAUSE I LOVE HER( 2 Corinthians 2:14)

Revolve 4 Real

This past weekend was my "Revolve Weekend," which for me is the biggest weekend out of the year. Revolve 4 real was different from any other for me. For one, I went with a girl that I hung out with last year. She is what I try to stray away from, the type of girl that judges everybody, cusses, drinks, thinks it's cool to have sex with some guy thats not even her boyfriend, the worst out of all those is that she can make me feel like I'm not good enough. The whole weekend I was not as comfortable as I normally am at Revolve, because of her(Brooke) and her youth group wasn't very enthused(did I spell that right?) about the whole thing. Brooke didn't even want to be there, and she made that very clear to me. The only reason she went is because she knew how much it meant to me to go.

As the revolve speakers and singers are telling all the 7,000 girls in the arena to be themselves Brooke is making fun of the way some girl dances...really? Is that necessary? At a CHRISTIAN confrence! Oh well, I asked her to stop. I tried. As the concert went on she went on, about some guy named John, at the end of the confrence I asked her if she even payed attention to what they said about guys. Her response was, "people will do what they want." WOW. That's all I can really say about that.

I bought Jenn Helvering's shirt that says Beloved on it, Jenna Lucado's book (I recommend it), Stellar Kart's newest cd, Britt Nicole's "Lost Get Found" cd, and the real me necklace. Do you think I bought enough?! I also got to meet Jenn Helvering(again) and Jenna Lucado for the first time, they are both so sweet and encouraging Women. And I finally met Trent(deidra's hubby), he was real cool and funny.

All of the speakers were great as normal, but most of all Jenn's stuck out to me. When I look in the mirror I see ugly and FAT, not beautiful and beloved. I have written Beloved on my mirror in my room(in lipstick!haha). I need to see myself as God see's me. So that will be my reminder everyday. How can I tell people or young girls that they are beautiful and they need to believe it if I don't even believe that I'm beautiful? I think that would make me a hypocrite to a certain extent.

I do wear a mask. Kind of? I don't try to fit in with everybody, I don't change what I do just because somebody wants me to. But I do leave my emotions, tears, anger, fears, all of it in my room. I don't let people see me cry. I have been told so many times "You are so strong Haley. I look up to you," I think that might be one of the reason's why I hide all that I do. I don't want anybody feeling sorry for me, or knowing that I hurt, and I don't want to rely on anybody (but God.) Haven't quite figured out what started all of my "lets hide feelings" thing yet. Probably some reason it started it, just can't figure out what started it.Does anybody know how I can stop doing that so much? If so let me know.

As I said earlier, I bought Jenna Lucado's book, "redifying beautiful." Figured it was going to just be about seeing yourself as beautiful. It's deeper then that though, talks about relationships with dads, eating disorders, and mutilation. I have already read half of it, and pretty much the whole time tears were rolling down my cheeks. It brought up stuff that I just haven't thought about in months, stuff I kept barried, so that I won't cry as much. During reading I pulled out my journal and found a letter to my dad that I haven't seen since i sent it to him in May. Of course I read it, in part of it I had said "I know i have gained a little weight. And I hate the way I look. I'm sorry dad that i'm not skinny and fit." Apologizing for not being skinny? I wish there way some way me and my dad could have a real relationship, just don't know how. He is so judging of the physical appearance that I can't even be let loose and be myself around my own dad.

I have also been changing alot lately! In a good way :) I have stopped cussing, well I haven't in 2 weeks, and stopped judging people completely. Also, I read my bible or a devotional (something about God) every night for at least an hour. And praying more. I can tell a difference already, I realized that if I am going to be a Christian Motivational Speaker then I need to start changing now. The longer I wait the harder it will be to change. Please pray that God will give me the strength to stay with everything i'm doing, that he will give me that courage to stand up to what's wrong because it definitly isn't easy. And for healing, I have alot of healing that needs to come my way.

Music

I don't understand how deaf people survive, because they don,t have music. Music is like 40 percent of my life! I love love love love music! I honestly don't know what i would do without it. I have met some really amazing people through music too. It's something that can be used in SO many different ways, can have so many different meanings...could be worship music for praising God, could be telling a story, gives hope, makes you realize that there are people that are going through what you are,could be funny, i could go on and on but i think you get the point.

I always see these talent shows on tv and there was an episode of america's got talent, they had to eliminate someone out of two people. One was a dancer, one was a singer. I am a dancer myself and i love to watch people dance and i know it's definitly not the easiest thing but to me singers are far more talented! I think that anybody can dance,might not look the best but pretty much anybody can pull of a dance or two. Not anybody can sing, ha i can't! You have to be born with a singing ablilty...or at least thats what i think, you have to be taught dance...most singing is natural.


Music makes me cry. Music calms me when i'm angry. Music drys my tears.Music takes away my fears. Music is my life!

Anyways, i just wanted to say how much music influences mine and i'm sure other people's lives. If you ever need encouragement or just some good music here are some top artists on my playlist.

Natalie Grant
Tammy Trent
Jenifer Thigpen
Deidra Hughes
Anthony Evans
Kari Jobe
Group One Crew
Sugarland

That is mainly all i listen to, christian. Every once in awhile i will mix in someone different but not much.

a little about how i have been?

My last blog was well...depressing. But, i had a great talk with Deidra and it helped alot:) I am trying to stop cussing once again and whoa its not easy! I am really trying though, ha funny thing, i'm pretty sure everytime i try and quit i say "i'm really trying though".lol

Me and my nana are finally going to church! As lame as it might sound i get excited everytime i think about it! The church we are going to is church of christ so there is no music:(its definitely not what i would have chosen but it will work:) In about 3 months i will have my own car and i can choose a church to drive MYSELF to.

My dance team stuff has started up. This is my first year to be on the team so alot is new to me. And i barely know anybody, which really sucks because i don't know, i guess i'm not comfortable and don't act my krazzy self. I want to but i'm just not comfortable and i always want people to like me? I'm confusing because i dont care what people think after i start acting myself but at first when i dont know them i do? Ha. Weird i know.

My mom decided to text me after i dont know how many months we havent talked. I couldnt not reply because it was saying how much she loves me and blah blah blah so i called her. We talked for like an hour. She said she is trying to respect what i want but its so hard and she just wants to know if im okay. So i told her i would call her once every month and give her a little update. She asked for every week and i sad no thats to much, i could tell she was trying not to push but she wants to talk to me so bad. Everytime i get done talking to her i always feel so bad:(

But other than that suprisingly everything is pretty good right now.(knocking on wood). My dad is still stupid but thats nothing new.i couldn't think of anything specific to write about so i hope this satisfy's ya;)

Right now I am feeling like a hypocrite but whatever, lately I feel like i'm lost. I have been going back to the past, doing stuff I know i shouldn't. I don't want to but then again I do....I'm just lost, I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing big has happened lately just life. I have began to miss my dad, well not my dad now but my old dad...the one that would never leave my side and do anything for me. And I have gotten fed up with my nana commenting about me excersizing and just alot of stuff she does or says. I'm with her too much but when i'm with my friends I feel like i'm hiding all my emotions even more than I do at home. Just everything is getting overwhelming. I'm so ready to give up but I just can't and I don't know why but my body just wont let me I guess? I feel like i'm living but i'm not alive sometimes I think why am I alive? But then I just have to tell myself why and think be strong haley. But i'm so tired of being strong. I wish I could just stay in my room all the time, and I would if my nana wouldn't think something was wrong.

I went to arlington the other day which is right by where my dad lives and he texted me later saying you were so close to me:( And that just makes me more mad because I haven't seen him in 4 months or more and I have been in arlington more than normal lately but he doesn't ever say we should have lunch or anything. But yet he says I miss you? I think it just hurts me more when he says I miss you because I feel like he doesn't and he just says it. I have gotten to where I don't say it back...use to I would say it to be nice so he wouldn't get his feelings hurt and then I didn't even mean it. Now I really do miss him but i'm not going to tell him that at all.

Him and my nana are fighting and haven't talked in a month and a half now. She has said something about he should come see you or whatever....what happens between me and him has nothing to do with you. Your not in the middle. Ummmm ya right!!!!!! I am so in the middle.....you make me ask him about money and everything else your suppose to be talkin to him about. And I'm pretty sure he wont come see me until they have resolved things so i don't know when that will be. Hopefully by my birthday in september.

Also I have been rally just ugh with the way I look. Ya everybody is like you aren't fat....i'm not fat but i'm not skinny....i'm not what I want to be. Being skinny isn't something I want to be for other people I want it for me. When my anan says haley you need to do your exersizes(for dance team) it just makes me mad and kinda upsets me because I think I NOOOOOOOOO! I can control myself! Worry about the way you look not me! And it makes me not want to do them just because. Then knowing my dad thinks "she's gained weight in the last year" and just little comments he has made when he has come down to see me stick in my head. I look at myself when I eat something. I get disgusted with myself and stop eating whatever it is i'm eating. Then I get sad or depressed, or whatever because of the way I look.

My nana said she was going to get me a therapist because of all the stuff i've been through. But i dont want one but then again i do? I don't like talking to therapist because i know they can tell my nana(not legally) anything I say. Then sometimes I think I wish I had sometimes to just let it all out to(therapist). I don't know. I'm messed up.

Ahhhh the crying has finally stopped. This blog is just me letting it all out....well not all but alot. Guess I just needed to tell it???Don't know but made me feel a little better in some ways.

Makin It Matter

So my blog site is named makin it matter(obviously) and I have a twitter and my username is also makin it matter on there. Just wanted to put why I have used this name. Because I have been asked "what are you making matter?" I am a big Natalie Grant fan...she has a song called make it matter. And it is about making your life matter.

Make It Matter

Pack my bags and my regrets

Every second that I've wasted

Chasing after

My pursuit of happiness

Has only left me searching

There must be more

[Chorus:]

Take my life and lift me up to the sky

Take my dreams and help me to fly

On the wings of possibility

Come rewrite my history(till it's) only you I'm chasing after

Take this life and make it matter

Help me give more than I take

Let me see into somebody else's heartache

And be the difference love can make

My heart is finally finding

That there is more

Only one life to live

Only one love to give

Only one life, only one love

So make it, make it matter

[Chorus]

I use the name makin it matter because I am trying to make my life matter. Ha that's a very simple answer tp why i use the name but that's all i can say about it. And that i think God is helping me make it matter:)

Going through rough times

Even though I am only 16 years old I have been through ALOT! I have always believed in God, my family has never really gone to church because my dad being a single, full time working parent for 12 years most of the time he worked on Sundays....so that made it difficult to go to church. And I have never really thought I want to go to church sooo bad because I guess I have never been in that environment. When I was in 7th grade I stole condoms from target. Which was very stupid. My dad and stepmom decided to put me into a private Christian school, and at the time I was NOT excited at all! I thought ewww preppy rich people with uniforms!


Before long I grew to like it alot. It wasnt so much because it was a Christian school, I actually wished it wasn't a Christain school at times. I liked it because of the friends I made. I had met a girl named Amy and she became my bestfriend. One time she invited me to this christian concert thing. I didn't realy care to go the only reason I went is because she wanted me to. It was The Revolve Tour, I had no idea who any of the singers or speakers were becuase I didn't listen to Christian music. I remember Natalie Grant coming out on stage and singing Something Beautiful, that I guess is where my Christainity began. When Natalie came out and sang that talking about how God made me something beautiful and everything else that the song says it just really touched me. Then saturday, the second night of the concert, she came out and told her story. It was about how when she was a teenager she suffered with bulimea, and at the time I had just started to make myself throw up after meals or just not eat. She talked about how God got her though it and her walk with God.



It wasn't like all the sudden I was this huge christian and I stopped throwing up and all the other stuff I was doing but its kind of like I realized hey God is the answer. God is what will get me through this. Anyways, I went back to school on what I call a "God high", where you just come back from a great worship concert and you are just all wrapped up in God and you want to do everything perfect for him. Btw, I have been to The Revolve Tour every year since and I am a HUGE Natalie Grant fan! But that was the firsts bible I owned...in 7th grade! How sad is that! I'm pretty sure that that was the first time that I had gone to a bible class regularly...in 9th grade they took me out because it was so expensive.



So I went to a school called Timberview Highschool my freshmen year which wasn't bad but it wasn't the best AT ALL! Most of the time I would go to my friends house for the weekend because I hated being at home. Me and my stepmom had never got along...she always wanted me to be perfect...which isn't possible for anyone....especially not me. Anyways, she gradually got worse with me...slowly started cussing me more...then I had my second myspace(when I wasn't even suppose to have the first one) and my dad and Felicia (my stepmom) found out about it....and it had some cussing on it and some graphice messages to a guy...they weren't happy AT ALL! I had lost alot of their trust once again...but she began hitting me...well slapping mainly. Well she did kick me and pull my hair. She began slapping me up to 5 times a day, for stupid reasons! Her excuse know is that "I was bad and she didn't know what to do with me."



For one she isn't even my mom and two I don't care what I do you DONT have a right to hit or slap me. I had never told my dad about it because one time before when she slapped me I told him and he took her side so I didn't tell him all that time she was doing it. It was almost the end of the school year soIi figured stick it out and I will be going to my nana's soon for summer....during this time I was erasing my skin, either because i felt stupid, not good enough, or I felt like something was my fault so I wanted to punish myself. Anyway, june 3rd we met my nana at McDonalds so that I could go stay with her and my papa for the summer. I remember I had gotten up and went to go get me a refill, I asked her and everybody else at the table if they wanted a refill(keep in mind I was trying to talk least possible because of Felicia). I had come back and I could tell that Felicia had been talking about me....but I kept quit...I knew I would be free from all that soon and able to talk to my nana.



That night at like one o clock in the morning me and my nana were laying in the bed talking....not sure how it came up but I told her that Felicia had been slapping me...and that I didn't want to go back I wanted to live with her(that's where I am now). She said I could and she was furious. The day before Felicia had hit my head ino the corner of my dresser and I still had a bump. So I let her feel so that she could say "I felt it"....it was proof. so that it wouldn't just be my word against Felicia's.



The next day she called and told my dad...he had no idea and he was very angry. He went and asked her if she had done what I said she did, SHE DENIED IT ALL!!!! Yes, I have lied in the past but what kid hasn't? To a certain extent I felt bad for him and still do because he was and is caught in the middle. I remember him telling me "haley felicia has never lied to me.are you sure your not making this up to get back at her?" When I knew he believed her and not me i couldn't help but cry. It wasn't just that he believed her and not me but that me and him use to be inseperable, we were so close before her! When my nana first told him that I no longer wanted to live ther he was very mad and said no but within a couple days he said ok. So he had gathered all my stuff and brought it to me because I didn't want to go back to that house. Every since then I have lived with my nana(which it has been a little over a year that I have been here now).



I had stopped erasing because I was happy. Then january 23d came...and something terrible happened that changed my life forever(sorry but im not going to say what). It not only changed my life but also my families life. Religion has never been forced down my throat and I guess that just my own knowledge of God and just listening to Christian music had set in. Also through my twitter I met an amazing woman and singer named Deidra Hughes(check her out!!) we had been talkin. At the time what I thought the end of the world me and Deidra had talked a little in the past. And she was the only one I knew to run to in the situation. Her being a christian singer she gave/gives me not only encouragement but advice......not just regular advice/encouragement it is knid of what I call God advice....like she would tell me to pray and that God is here. When I feel like I can't go on any longer she lets me know that I can. Lets me know that God is going to make my tornado of a life into something beautiful. Reminds me that I can't reply on people(well to a certain extent I have to)because they will fail you and make mistakes, God doesn't.



There for about two months or so it was like something bad or big in my life happened week after week. I never got a break. Its like whatever you thought your life was was collapsed into a million peices and your trapped under em sufficating. May 22nd I went to a confrence and Deidra was there so was Tammy Trent.....and it was hard because something else had happened that week. And I was at that concert worshiping God and everything. But it was like...hmmm I'm not sure how to explain....it was like I believed in God I knew he was there for me. That he was with me through all these little life tornado's. But I felt like he wasn't. Does that make since? I was to an extent mad at myself for not being able to see that he was there. I layed in bed and cried over it. It was like I was calling out to God but I was blind and couldn't see him. I wanted to feel him there. I began to pray about it. I prayed that God would help me to be pateint and that I would be able to see him. I had gotten down on my knees crying and praying about it a couple times. The last prayer I prayed about me feeling God I had also prayed that God would help me decide weather or not my nana filled for custody of me. I only had one night to decide and on top of that I had a bunch of other crap going on. But I just asked that he would help me.



This might sound made up or stupid or whatever...I don't really care because I know in my heart that it was God answering my prayers. I came out of my room where I just been praying and crying on my knees to God, and my nana said we are going to wait and not file for custody. I knew that was God and I was just in awe and so thankful. Even though it might seem like why is your nana filling for custody such a big deal? But at the time there was alot going through my mind about it. Not that I want to go back to my dads or anything.

My point in this blog is that God is there and even when you arent on "speaking terms" with him he will be there just waiting patient as ever. God has helped me in my healing alot! I hate to say that tough times ofent bring alot of people closer to God but they do...I often feel like I don't go to God unless something is going bad or someone else needs prayer...I don't ever just pray to talk to God. I'm working on that though. Just be patient and faithful and obdeint and he will make the sun shine when you feel like it will never come out again=D

"weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning"-psalm 30:5

This is something that is so scaring and sad to think about.....I wish I could stop human trafficking in the blink of an eye. For those of you that don't know what human trafficking is,it is a modern-day form of slavery in which a commercial sex act is induced by force, fraud, or coercion, or in which the person induced to perform such an act is under the age of 18 years. People take innocent children and make them have sex with grown men numerous times a day.
Victims of sex trafficking can be women or men, girls or boys, but the majority are women and girls. There are a number of common patterns for luring victims into situations of sex trafficking, including:

-A promise of a good job in another country

-A false marriage proposal turned into a bondage situation

-Being sold into the sex trade by parents, husbands, boyfriends

-Being kidnapped by traffickers

Sex traffickers use a variety of methods to "condition" their victims including starvation, confinement, beatings, physical abuse, rape, gang rape, threats of violence to the victims and the victims' families, forced drug use and the threat of shaming their victims by revealing their activities to their family and their families' friends. Alot of the victims go through all of this for years and years. Some of them are drugged to much by accident and die.
-As many as 10 million people are victims of human trafficking.
No country is immune from human trafficking. Each year, an estimated 600,000-800,000 men, women, and children are trafficked across international borders, and this sicking number is growing. This figure is in addition to a far larger yet indeterminate number of people trafficked within countries.

I recently watched the movie Taken(good movie)and trafficking plays a big part in this movie...watch it....it will make you really think.

I have liked Natalie Grant for the past 5 years....she is the one that I heard about trafficking through. She has set up an orginization for victims of trafficking.....you can go and donate or just read some of the victims stories at http://www.thehomefoundation.net/

Even if you can't donate(because I know I can't) you can pray....think about what if it was your kid that this happened to. It's so scary!