Right now I am feeling like a hypocrite but whatever, lately I feel like i'm lost. I have been going back to the past, doing stuff I know i shouldn't. I don't want to but then again I do....I'm just lost, I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing big has happened lately just life. I have began to miss my dad, well not my dad now but my old dad...the one that would never leave my side and do anything for me. And I have gotten fed up with my nana commenting about me excersizing and just alot of stuff she does or says. I'm with her too much but when i'm with my friends I feel like i'm hiding all my emotions even more than I do at home. Just everything is getting overwhelming. I'm so ready to give up but I just can't and I don't know why but my body just wont let me I guess? I feel like i'm living but i'm not alive sometimes I think why am I alive? But then I just have to tell myself why and think be strong haley. But i'm so tired of being strong. I wish I could just stay in my room all the time, and I would if my nana wouldn't think something was wrong.

I went to arlington the other day which is right by where my dad lives and he texted me later saying you were so close to me:( And that just makes me more mad because I haven't seen him in 4 months or more and I have been in arlington more than normal lately but he doesn't ever say we should have lunch or anything. But yet he says I miss you? I think it just hurts me more when he says I miss you because I feel like he doesn't and he just says it. I have gotten to where I don't say it back...use to I would say it to be nice so he wouldn't get his feelings hurt and then I didn't even mean it. Now I really do miss him but i'm not going to tell him that at all.

Him and my nana are fighting and haven't talked in a month and a half now. She has said something about he should come see you or whatever....what happens between me and him has nothing to do with you. Your not in the middle. Ummmm ya right!!!!!! I am so in the middle.....you make me ask him about money and everything else your suppose to be talkin to him about. And I'm pretty sure he wont come see me until they have resolved things so i don't know when that will be. Hopefully by my birthday in september.

Also I have been rally just ugh with the way I look. Ya everybody is like you aren't fat....i'm not fat but i'm not skinny....i'm not what I want to be. Being skinny isn't something I want to be for other people I want it for me. When my anan says haley you need to do your exersizes(for dance team) it just makes me mad and kinda upsets me because I think I NOOOOOOOOO! I can control myself! Worry about the way you look not me! And it makes me not want to do them just because. Then knowing my dad thinks "she's gained weight in the last year" and just little comments he has made when he has come down to see me stick in my head. I look at myself when I eat something. I get disgusted with myself and stop eating whatever it is i'm eating. Then I get sad or depressed, or whatever because of the way I look.

My nana said she was going to get me a therapist because of all the stuff i've been through. But i dont want one but then again i do? I don't like talking to therapist because i know they can tell my nana(not legally) anything I say. Then sometimes I think I wish I had sometimes to just let it all out to(therapist). I don't know. I'm messed up.

Ahhhh the crying has finally stopped. This blog is just me letting it all out....well not all but alot. Guess I just needed to tell it???Don't know but made me feel a little better in some ways.

Makin It Matter

So my blog site is named makin it matter(obviously) and I have a twitter and my username is also makin it matter on there. Just wanted to put why I have used this name. Because I have been asked "what are you making matter?" I am a big Natalie Grant fan...she has a song called make it matter. And it is about making your life matter.

Make It Matter

Pack my bags and my regrets

Every second that I've wasted

Chasing after

My pursuit of happiness

Has only left me searching

There must be more

[Chorus:]

Take my life and lift me up to the sky

Take my dreams and help me to fly

On the wings of possibility

Come rewrite my history(till it's) only you I'm chasing after

Take this life and make it matter

Help me give more than I take

Let me see into somebody else's heartache

And be the difference love can make

My heart is finally finding

That there is more

Only one life to live

Only one love to give

Only one life, only one love

So make it, make it matter

[Chorus]

I use the name makin it matter because I am trying to make my life matter. Ha that's a very simple answer tp why i use the name but that's all i can say about it. And that i think God is helping me make it matter:)

Going through rough times

Even though I am only 16 years old I have been through ALOT! I have always believed in God, my family has never really gone to church because my dad being a single, full time working parent for 12 years most of the time he worked on Sundays....so that made it difficult to go to church. And I have never really thought I want to go to church sooo bad because I guess I have never been in that environment. When I was in 7th grade I stole condoms from target. Which was very stupid. My dad and stepmom decided to put me into a private Christian school, and at the time I was NOT excited at all! I thought ewww preppy rich people with uniforms!


Before long I grew to like it alot. It wasnt so much because it was a Christian school, I actually wished it wasn't a Christain school at times. I liked it because of the friends I made. I had met a girl named Amy and she became my bestfriend. One time she invited me to this christian concert thing. I didn't realy care to go the only reason I went is because she wanted me to. It was The Revolve Tour, I had no idea who any of the singers or speakers were becuase I didn't listen to Christian music. I remember Natalie Grant coming out on stage and singing Something Beautiful, that I guess is where my Christainity began. When Natalie came out and sang that talking about how God made me something beautiful and everything else that the song says it just really touched me. Then saturday, the second night of the concert, she came out and told her story. It was about how when she was a teenager she suffered with bulimea, and at the time I had just started to make myself throw up after meals or just not eat. She talked about how God got her though it and her walk with God.



It wasn't like all the sudden I was this huge christian and I stopped throwing up and all the other stuff I was doing but its kind of like I realized hey God is the answer. God is what will get me through this. Anyways, I went back to school on what I call a "God high", where you just come back from a great worship concert and you are just all wrapped up in God and you want to do everything perfect for him. Btw, I have been to The Revolve Tour every year since and I am a HUGE Natalie Grant fan! But that was the firsts bible I owned...in 7th grade! How sad is that! I'm pretty sure that that was the first time that I had gone to a bible class regularly...in 9th grade they took me out because it was so expensive.



So I went to a school called Timberview Highschool my freshmen year which wasn't bad but it wasn't the best AT ALL! Most of the time I would go to my friends house for the weekend because I hated being at home. Me and my stepmom had never got along...she always wanted me to be perfect...which isn't possible for anyone....especially not me. Anyways, she gradually got worse with me...slowly started cussing me more...then I had my second myspace(when I wasn't even suppose to have the first one) and my dad and Felicia (my stepmom) found out about it....and it had some cussing on it and some graphice messages to a guy...they weren't happy AT ALL! I had lost alot of their trust once again...but she began hitting me...well slapping mainly. Well she did kick me and pull my hair. She began slapping me up to 5 times a day, for stupid reasons! Her excuse know is that "I was bad and she didn't know what to do with me."



For one she isn't even my mom and two I don't care what I do you DONT have a right to hit or slap me. I had never told my dad about it because one time before when she slapped me I told him and he took her side so I didn't tell him all that time she was doing it. It was almost the end of the school year soIi figured stick it out and I will be going to my nana's soon for summer....during this time I was erasing my skin, either because i felt stupid, not good enough, or I felt like something was my fault so I wanted to punish myself. Anyway, june 3rd we met my nana at McDonalds so that I could go stay with her and my papa for the summer. I remember I had gotten up and went to go get me a refill, I asked her and everybody else at the table if they wanted a refill(keep in mind I was trying to talk least possible because of Felicia). I had come back and I could tell that Felicia had been talking about me....but I kept quit...I knew I would be free from all that soon and able to talk to my nana.



That night at like one o clock in the morning me and my nana were laying in the bed talking....not sure how it came up but I told her that Felicia had been slapping me...and that I didn't want to go back I wanted to live with her(that's where I am now). She said I could and she was furious. The day before Felicia had hit my head ino the corner of my dresser and I still had a bump. So I let her feel so that she could say "I felt it"....it was proof. so that it wouldn't just be my word against Felicia's.



The next day she called and told my dad...he had no idea and he was very angry. He went and asked her if she had done what I said she did, SHE DENIED IT ALL!!!! Yes, I have lied in the past but what kid hasn't? To a certain extent I felt bad for him and still do because he was and is caught in the middle. I remember him telling me "haley felicia has never lied to me.are you sure your not making this up to get back at her?" When I knew he believed her and not me i couldn't help but cry. It wasn't just that he believed her and not me but that me and him use to be inseperable, we were so close before her! When my nana first told him that I no longer wanted to live ther he was very mad and said no but within a couple days he said ok. So he had gathered all my stuff and brought it to me because I didn't want to go back to that house. Every since then I have lived with my nana(which it has been a little over a year that I have been here now).



I had stopped erasing because I was happy. Then january 23d came...and something terrible happened that changed my life forever(sorry but im not going to say what). It not only changed my life but also my families life. Religion has never been forced down my throat and I guess that just my own knowledge of God and just listening to Christian music had set in. Also through my twitter I met an amazing woman and singer named Deidra Hughes(check her out!!) we had been talkin. At the time what I thought the end of the world me and Deidra had talked a little in the past. And she was the only one I knew to run to in the situation. Her being a christian singer she gave/gives me not only encouragement but advice......not just regular advice/encouragement it is knid of what I call God advice....like she would tell me to pray and that God is here. When I feel like I can't go on any longer she lets me know that I can. Lets me know that God is going to make my tornado of a life into something beautiful. Reminds me that I can't reply on people(well to a certain extent I have to)because they will fail you and make mistakes, God doesn't.



There for about two months or so it was like something bad or big in my life happened week after week. I never got a break. Its like whatever you thought your life was was collapsed into a million peices and your trapped under em sufficating. May 22nd I went to a confrence and Deidra was there so was Tammy Trent.....and it was hard because something else had happened that week. And I was at that concert worshiping God and everything. But it was like...hmmm I'm not sure how to explain....it was like I believed in God I knew he was there for me. That he was with me through all these little life tornado's. But I felt like he wasn't. Does that make since? I was to an extent mad at myself for not being able to see that he was there. I layed in bed and cried over it. It was like I was calling out to God but I was blind and couldn't see him. I wanted to feel him there. I began to pray about it. I prayed that God would help me to be pateint and that I would be able to see him. I had gotten down on my knees crying and praying about it a couple times. The last prayer I prayed about me feeling God I had also prayed that God would help me decide weather or not my nana filled for custody of me. I only had one night to decide and on top of that I had a bunch of other crap going on. But I just asked that he would help me.



This might sound made up or stupid or whatever...I don't really care because I know in my heart that it was God answering my prayers. I came out of my room where I just been praying and crying on my knees to God, and my nana said we are going to wait and not file for custody. I knew that was God and I was just in awe and so thankful. Even though it might seem like why is your nana filling for custody such a big deal? But at the time there was alot going through my mind about it. Not that I want to go back to my dads or anything.

My point in this blog is that God is there and even when you arent on "speaking terms" with him he will be there just waiting patient as ever. God has helped me in my healing alot! I hate to say that tough times ofent bring alot of people closer to God but they do...I often feel like I don't go to God unless something is going bad or someone else needs prayer...I don't ever just pray to talk to God. I'm working on that though. Just be patient and faithful and obdeint and he will make the sun shine when you feel like it will never come out again=D

"weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning"-psalm 30:5