Right now I am feeling like a hypocrite but whatever, lately I feel like i'm lost. I have been going back to the past, doing stuff I know i shouldn't. I don't want to but then again I do....I'm just lost, I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing big has happened lately just life. I have began to miss my dad, well not my dad now but my old dad...the one that would never leave my side and do anything for me. And I have gotten fed up with my nana commenting about me excersizing and just alot of stuff she does or says. I'm with her too much but when i'm with my friends I feel like i'm hiding all my emotions even more than I do at home. Just everything is getting overwhelming. I'm so ready to give up but I just can't and I don't know why but my body just wont let me I guess? I feel like i'm living but i'm not alive sometimes I think why am I alive? But then I just have to tell myself why and think be strong haley. But i'm so tired of being strong. I wish I could just stay in my room all the time, and I would if my nana wouldn't think something was wrong.

I went to arlington the other day which is right by where my dad lives and he texted me later saying you were so close to me:( And that just makes me more mad because I haven't seen him in 4 months or more and I have been in arlington more than normal lately but he doesn't ever say we should have lunch or anything. But yet he says I miss you? I think it just hurts me more when he says I miss you because I feel like he doesn't and he just says it. I have gotten to where I don't say it back...use to I would say it to be nice so he wouldn't get his feelings hurt and then I didn't even mean it. Now I really do miss him but i'm not going to tell him that at all.

Him and my nana are fighting and haven't talked in a month and a half now. She has said something about he should come see you or whatever....what happens between me and him has nothing to do with you. Your not in the middle. Ummmm ya right!!!!!! I am so in the middle.....you make me ask him about money and everything else your suppose to be talkin to him about. And I'm pretty sure he wont come see me until they have resolved things so i don't know when that will be. Hopefully by my birthday in september.

Also I have been rally just ugh with the way I look. Ya everybody is like you aren't fat....i'm not fat but i'm not skinny....i'm not what I want to be. Being skinny isn't something I want to be for other people I want it for me. When my anan says haley you need to do your exersizes(for dance team) it just makes me mad and kinda upsets me because I think I NOOOOOOOOO! I can control myself! Worry about the way you look not me! And it makes me not want to do them just because. Then knowing my dad thinks "she's gained weight in the last year" and just little comments he has made when he has come down to see me stick in my head. I look at myself when I eat something. I get disgusted with myself and stop eating whatever it is i'm eating. Then I get sad or depressed, or whatever because of the way I look.

My nana said she was going to get me a therapist because of all the stuff i've been through. But i dont want one but then again i do? I don't like talking to therapist because i know they can tell my nana(not legally) anything I say. Then sometimes I think I wish I had sometimes to just let it all out to(therapist). I don't know. I'm messed up.

Ahhhh the crying has finally stopped. This blog is just me letting it all out....well not all but alot. Guess I just needed to tell it???Don't know but made me feel a little better in some ways.