Revolve 4 Real

This past weekend was my "Revolve Weekend," which for me is the biggest weekend out of the year. Revolve 4 real was different from any other for me. For one, I went with a girl that I hung out with last year. She is what I try to stray away from, the type of girl that judges everybody, cusses, drinks, thinks it's cool to have sex with some guy thats not even her boyfriend, the worst out of all those is that she can make me feel like I'm not good enough. The whole weekend I was not as comfortable as I normally am at Revolve, because of her(Brooke) and her youth group wasn't very enthused(did I spell that right?) about the whole thing. Brooke didn't even want to be there, and she made that very clear to me. The only reason she went is because she knew how much it meant to me to go.

As the revolve speakers and singers are telling all the 7,000 girls in the arena to be themselves Brooke is making fun of the way some girl dances...really? Is that necessary? At a CHRISTIAN confrence! Oh well, I asked her to stop. I tried. As the concert went on she went on, about some guy named John, at the end of the confrence I asked her if she even payed attention to what they said about guys. Her response was, "people will do what they want." WOW. That's all I can really say about that.

I bought Jenn Helvering's shirt that says Beloved on it, Jenna Lucado's book (I recommend it), Stellar Kart's newest cd, Britt Nicole's "Lost Get Found" cd, and the real me necklace. Do you think I bought enough?! I also got to meet Jenn Helvering(again) and Jenna Lucado for the first time, they are both so sweet and encouraging Women. And I finally met Trent(deidra's hubby), he was real cool and funny.

All of the speakers were great as normal, but most of all Jenn's stuck out to me. When I look in the mirror I see ugly and FAT, not beautiful and beloved. I have written Beloved on my mirror in my room(in lipstick!haha). I need to see myself as God see's me. So that will be my reminder everyday. How can I tell people or young girls that they are beautiful and they need to believe it if I don't even believe that I'm beautiful? I think that would make me a hypocrite to a certain extent.

I do wear a mask. Kind of? I don't try to fit in with everybody, I don't change what I do just because somebody wants me to. But I do leave my emotions, tears, anger, fears, all of it in my room. I don't let people see me cry. I have been told so many times "You are so strong Haley. I look up to you," I think that might be one of the reason's why I hide all that I do. I don't want anybody feeling sorry for me, or knowing that I hurt, and I don't want to rely on anybody (but God.) Haven't quite figured out what started all of my "lets hide feelings" thing yet. Probably some reason it started it, just can't figure out what started it.Does anybody know how I can stop doing that so much? If so let me know.

As I said earlier, I bought Jenna Lucado's book, "redifying beautiful." Figured it was going to just be about seeing yourself as beautiful. It's deeper then that though, talks about relationships with dads, eating disorders, and mutilation. I have already read half of it, and pretty much the whole time tears were rolling down my cheeks. It brought up stuff that I just haven't thought about in months, stuff I kept barried, so that I won't cry as much. During reading I pulled out my journal and found a letter to my dad that I haven't seen since i sent it to him in May. Of course I read it, in part of it I had said "I know i have gained a little weight. And I hate the way I look. I'm sorry dad that i'm not skinny and fit." Apologizing for not being skinny? I wish there way some way me and my dad could have a real relationship, just don't know how. He is so judging of the physical appearance that I can't even be let loose and be myself around my own dad.

I have also been changing alot lately! In a good way :) I have stopped cussing, well I haven't in 2 weeks, and stopped judging people completely. Also, I read my bible or a devotional (something about God) every night for at least an hour. And praying more. I can tell a difference already, I realized that if I am going to be a Christian Motivational Speaker then I need to start changing now. The longer I wait the harder it will be to change. Please pray that God will give me the strength to stay with everything i'm doing, that he will give me that courage to stand up to what's wrong because it definitly isn't easy. And for healing, I have alot of healing that needs to come my way.