Change what you don't like

Lately I have been thinking alot about my family relationship. I see other families going to church every Sunday, having family game night, and all sorts of things. My bestfriend, Chauncie, has a great relationship with her mom and I know that I can go to her mom or my nana for anything but it's just not the same. Or you see the bond that siblings have with one another, I have 3 siblings but 2 I have never seen and the other one I moved out before he was even two years old. So I don't really have a relationship with him, and he is a little young. I try not to be but a big part of me gets jelous when I see all of these things. I've decided that when I have my own family we ARE going to go to church every Sunday, we will have family night at least once a month, and I will always encourage, support,and build my children up.



There has been a cycle in my family, my dads dad never had a good relationship with his children or my nana. He would bet all of them and say hurtful things to them. As you all know my stepmom was that description, and well my dad, I'm not sure how to explain him but lets just say he has some of his dad in him. And when I say that I don't mean the good part of him. Somebody once told me that I need to be the person to stop that cycle. I tend to say stuff jokingly to friends putting them down. Not being mean, just kidding around but I know that after awhile people saying stuff like that to me gets to me, and gets on my nerves. So from now on I am going to stop:) My worst fear is to grow up like my dad, and stepmother, and say stuff like that to my children.

My goal in life is to live a Christian life and let Jesus shine through me. I will take a stand for what I believe in. Besides, if you aren't willing to stand up for what you believe in what's the point of believing? I will not judge, because I know how it feels to be judged. If I had to pick one person on this earth out of everybody that I would want to be like it would be Deidra Hughes. She is somebody that fits the description of what I want to live my life like. I'm sure that's not suprising. Not only is she a Christian but the way she encourages people is amazing to me. She will tell you straight up how it is, but in her own way its not rude, or mean, it's loving. She doesn't judge, she is honest, and beautiful. She balances her family, her career, and her realtionship with God, and still has time to help me in between all that. There are alot of artist's, even Christian, that would just say, "I don't have time to reply to that email, or I don't have time to talk to this girl." Alot of people would just give you a little advice and brush you to the side. She is someone that will do her best to help. She actually takes time to listen to what you have to say, and try to understand what you are feeling. Now that is what I want to be like when I grow up! I don't know one person that wouldn't look up to someone like that.

I guess this was a little bit of venting? In a positive way. Ha. Try to be positive and change someone's life this week. Doesn't have to be anything big. Giving somebody you don't know a compliment, invite them to your church, or any event, or even speaking to them can make a difference. There are so many people that have horrible home lives then have to come to school or work just to be made fun of(yes adults are made fun of), or to have no friends, and nobody to talk to. I can't imagine that. So make a difference!:)

Pray for the people of Haiti and their families. One of my friends that was 18 died the 1st so please keep her and all of the people greiving in you prayers. Also there is another one of my friends that got hit by a car the 1st that is in ICU. Today is her birthday, and she might make it out but she will never be the same again the doctors say. So pray for a miracle.

A few of my favorite bible verse's:)

"Although a mighty army surrounds me, my heart shall not be afraid. Even when I am attacked I will remain confident" Psalm 27:3

"He makes EVERYTHING beautiful in his own time."-Eccl 3:11

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

"Judge not, that you will be judged. For with what judgement you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you." Matthew 7:1-2

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, Your heavenly Father will also forgive you." Matthew 6:14

Life

hey!

I haven't blogged in a loonnngggg time, hehe, sorry bout that! I've been busy with school &drill team. I have maintained A's and B's...mainly B's, with one C in chemistry, I just don't understand chemistry! Drill team is calm right now, football season is over for us so no more friday night games. This is the first year, but I have joined powerlifting team...huuaaaaa*flexing muscles*hehe. It is definitly HARD, but hopefully it will get me toned up:)

Anyways, lately I have really been thinking about my life and what I want to do with it. I know what I want to do, but there are SO many things I want to do, I feel like I wont be able to ever do them all:/ First of all you all know, or most of you, that my dream is to become a traveling christian motivational speaker, and to get to speak at something big for teen girls, like revolve tour. IF I can't do that I want to be a psycologist, for a sexual abuse place, and for teen girls mainly. Part of me feels like i'm just not smart enough to get a degree in psycology.Also, I want to go along with Missionairy's to like Africa and help people over there.

Of course I want to graduate college, part of me wants to go to tjc(junior college near me) and live at home for two years, then transfer to abiliene christian. BUT i have to graduate high school first! I'm not worried about my grades or credits, its just that dang TAKS test! I take it this year for the last time, if i don't pass it i wont walk across the stage:(very nerve racking!Another part of me wants to just move right after graduation just so I can get out of this house and have my own freedom. The smart side of me knows that would be kind of dumb, because I could save money for college or whatever else living at home for two years.

After college I want to move to Nashville. Never been there but have always dreamed of it, plus I would have more opportunity there then here. It's about an 8 hour drive from where I live, it would make it hard for me to come see fam often.

There are so many things going through my mind about my future it's ridiculous!
I know i just need to relax and put it in God's hand, its just so hard to do!



p.s. one of my biggest worries is growing up and being a cat lady!haha

My Princess

I made her...she is different. She is unique. With love I formed he rin her mother's womb. I fashioned her with great joy. I remember, with great pleasure, the day I created her. (Psalm 139:13-16)

I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh, and the silly things she says and does. She brings me great pleasure. This is how I made her. (Psalm 139:17)

I mad her pretty and not beautiful, because I knew her heart and knew she would be vain...I wanted her to search out her heart and to learn that it would be ME in her that would draw friends to her. I made her in such a way that she would need me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be...only because I need for her to lean and depend on ME...I know her heart, I know if I had not made her like this she would go her own chosen way and forget ME...her creator. (Psalm 62:5-8)

I have given her many good and happy things...because I love her. (Psalm 139:17, Romans 8:23)

Because I love her, I have seen her broken heart...and tears she has cried alone. I have cried with her and had broken heart, too. (Psalm 56:8)

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone only because she would not hold my hand. So many lessons she has learned the hard way because she would not listen to my voice... (Isaiah 53:6)

So many times I have sat back and sadly watched her go her merry way alone, only to watch her return to my arms, sad and broken. (Isaiah 62:2)

And now she is mine again...I made her, and then I bought her...because I love her. (Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape and remold her...to renew her to what I had planned for her to be. It has not been easy for her or for me. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I want her to be conformed to my image...this high goal I have set for her BECAUSE I LOVE HER( 2 Corinthians 2:14)

Revolve 4 Real

This past weekend was my "Revolve Weekend," which for me is the biggest weekend out of the year. Revolve 4 real was different from any other for me. For one, I went with a girl that I hung out with last year. She is what I try to stray away from, the type of girl that judges everybody, cusses, drinks, thinks it's cool to have sex with some guy thats not even her boyfriend, the worst out of all those is that she can make me feel like I'm not good enough. The whole weekend I was not as comfortable as I normally am at Revolve, because of her(Brooke) and her youth group wasn't very enthused(did I spell that right?) about the whole thing. Brooke didn't even want to be there, and she made that very clear to me. The only reason she went is because she knew how much it meant to me to go.

As the revolve speakers and singers are telling all the 7,000 girls in the arena to be themselves Brooke is making fun of the way some girl dances...really? Is that necessary? At a CHRISTIAN confrence! Oh well, I asked her to stop. I tried. As the concert went on she went on, about some guy named John, at the end of the confrence I asked her if she even payed attention to what they said about guys. Her response was, "people will do what they want." WOW. That's all I can really say about that.

I bought Jenn Helvering's shirt that says Beloved on it, Jenna Lucado's book (I recommend it), Stellar Kart's newest cd, Britt Nicole's "Lost Get Found" cd, and the real me necklace. Do you think I bought enough?! I also got to meet Jenn Helvering(again) and Jenna Lucado for the first time, they are both so sweet and encouraging Women. And I finally met Trent(deidra's hubby), he was real cool and funny.

All of the speakers were great as normal, but most of all Jenn's stuck out to me. When I look in the mirror I see ugly and FAT, not beautiful and beloved. I have written Beloved on my mirror in my room(in lipstick!haha). I need to see myself as God see's me. So that will be my reminder everyday. How can I tell people or young girls that they are beautiful and they need to believe it if I don't even believe that I'm beautiful? I think that would make me a hypocrite to a certain extent.

I do wear a mask. Kind of? I don't try to fit in with everybody, I don't change what I do just because somebody wants me to. But I do leave my emotions, tears, anger, fears, all of it in my room. I don't let people see me cry. I have been told so many times "You are so strong Haley. I look up to you," I think that might be one of the reason's why I hide all that I do. I don't want anybody feeling sorry for me, or knowing that I hurt, and I don't want to rely on anybody (but God.) Haven't quite figured out what started all of my "lets hide feelings" thing yet. Probably some reason it started it, just can't figure out what started it.Does anybody know how I can stop doing that so much? If so let me know.

As I said earlier, I bought Jenna Lucado's book, "redifying beautiful." Figured it was going to just be about seeing yourself as beautiful. It's deeper then that though, talks about relationships with dads, eating disorders, and mutilation. I have already read half of it, and pretty much the whole time tears were rolling down my cheeks. It brought up stuff that I just haven't thought about in months, stuff I kept barried, so that I won't cry as much. During reading I pulled out my journal and found a letter to my dad that I haven't seen since i sent it to him in May. Of course I read it, in part of it I had said "I know i have gained a little weight. And I hate the way I look. I'm sorry dad that i'm not skinny and fit." Apologizing for not being skinny? I wish there way some way me and my dad could have a real relationship, just don't know how. He is so judging of the physical appearance that I can't even be let loose and be myself around my own dad.

I have also been changing alot lately! In a good way :) I have stopped cussing, well I haven't in 2 weeks, and stopped judging people completely. Also, I read my bible or a devotional (something about God) every night for at least an hour. And praying more. I can tell a difference already, I realized that if I am going to be a Christian Motivational Speaker then I need to start changing now. The longer I wait the harder it will be to change. Please pray that God will give me the strength to stay with everything i'm doing, that he will give me that courage to stand up to what's wrong because it definitly isn't easy. And for healing, I have alot of healing that needs to come my way.

Music

I don't understand how deaf people survive, because they don,t have music. Music is like 40 percent of my life! I love love love love music! I honestly don't know what i would do without it. I have met some really amazing people through music too. It's something that can be used in SO many different ways, can have so many different meanings...could be worship music for praising God, could be telling a story, gives hope, makes you realize that there are people that are going through what you are,could be funny, i could go on and on but i think you get the point.

I always see these talent shows on tv and there was an episode of america's got talent, they had to eliminate someone out of two people. One was a dancer, one was a singer. I am a dancer myself and i love to watch people dance and i know it's definitly not the easiest thing but to me singers are far more talented! I think that anybody can dance,might not look the best but pretty much anybody can pull of a dance or two. Not anybody can sing, ha i can't! You have to be born with a singing ablilty...or at least thats what i think, you have to be taught dance...most singing is natural.


Music makes me cry. Music calms me when i'm angry. Music drys my tears.Music takes away my fears. Music is my life!

Anyways, i just wanted to say how much music influences mine and i'm sure other people's lives. If you ever need encouragement or just some good music here are some top artists on my playlist.

Natalie Grant
Tammy Trent
Jenifer Thigpen
Deidra Hughes
Anthony Evans
Kari Jobe
Group One Crew
Sugarland

That is mainly all i listen to, christian. Every once in awhile i will mix in someone different but not much.

a little about how i have been?

My last blog was well...depressing. But, i had a great talk with Deidra and it helped alot:) I am trying to stop cussing once again and whoa its not easy! I am really trying though, ha funny thing, i'm pretty sure everytime i try and quit i say "i'm really trying though".lol

Me and my nana are finally going to church! As lame as it might sound i get excited everytime i think about it! The church we are going to is church of christ so there is no music:(its definitely not what i would have chosen but it will work:) In about 3 months i will have my own car and i can choose a church to drive MYSELF to.

My dance team stuff has started up. This is my first year to be on the team so alot is new to me. And i barely know anybody, which really sucks because i don't know, i guess i'm not comfortable and don't act my krazzy self. I want to but i'm just not comfortable and i always want people to like me? I'm confusing because i dont care what people think after i start acting myself but at first when i dont know them i do? Ha. Weird i know.

My mom decided to text me after i dont know how many months we havent talked. I couldnt not reply because it was saying how much she loves me and blah blah blah so i called her. We talked for like an hour. She said she is trying to respect what i want but its so hard and she just wants to know if im okay. So i told her i would call her once every month and give her a little update. She asked for every week and i sad no thats to much, i could tell she was trying not to push but she wants to talk to me so bad. Everytime i get done talking to her i always feel so bad:(

But other than that suprisingly everything is pretty good right now.(knocking on wood). My dad is still stupid but thats nothing new.i couldn't think of anything specific to write about so i hope this satisfy's ya;)

Right now I am feeling like a hypocrite but whatever, lately I feel like i'm lost. I have been going back to the past, doing stuff I know i shouldn't. I don't want to but then again I do....I'm just lost, I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing big has happened lately just life. I have began to miss my dad, well not my dad now but my old dad...the one that would never leave my side and do anything for me. And I have gotten fed up with my nana commenting about me excersizing and just alot of stuff she does or says. I'm with her too much but when i'm with my friends I feel like i'm hiding all my emotions even more than I do at home. Just everything is getting overwhelming. I'm so ready to give up but I just can't and I don't know why but my body just wont let me I guess? I feel like i'm living but i'm not alive sometimes I think why am I alive? But then I just have to tell myself why and think be strong haley. But i'm so tired of being strong. I wish I could just stay in my room all the time, and I would if my nana wouldn't think something was wrong.

I went to arlington the other day which is right by where my dad lives and he texted me later saying you were so close to me:( And that just makes me more mad because I haven't seen him in 4 months or more and I have been in arlington more than normal lately but he doesn't ever say we should have lunch or anything. But yet he says I miss you? I think it just hurts me more when he says I miss you because I feel like he doesn't and he just says it. I have gotten to where I don't say it back...use to I would say it to be nice so he wouldn't get his feelings hurt and then I didn't even mean it. Now I really do miss him but i'm not going to tell him that at all.

Him and my nana are fighting and haven't talked in a month and a half now. She has said something about he should come see you or whatever....what happens between me and him has nothing to do with you. Your not in the middle. Ummmm ya right!!!!!! I am so in the middle.....you make me ask him about money and everything else your suppose to be talkin to him about. And I'm pretty sure he wont come see me until they have resolved things so i don't know when that will be. Hopefully by my birthday in september.

Also I have been rally just ugh with the way I look. Ya everybody is like you aren't fat....i'm not fat but i'm not skinny....i'm not what I want to be. Being skinny isn't something I want to be for other people I want it for me. When my anan says haley you need to do your exersizes(for dance team) it just makes me mad and kinda upsets me because I think I NOOOOOOOOO! I can control myself! Worry about the way you look not me! And it makes me not want to do them just because. Then knowing my dad thinks "she's gained weight in the last year" and just little comments he has made when he has come down to see me stick in my head. I look at myself when I eat something. I get disgusted with myself and stop eating whatever it is i'm eating. Then I get sad or depressed, or whatever because of the way I look.

My nana said she was going to get me a therapist because of all the stuff i've been through. But i dont want one but then again i do? I don't like talking to therapist because i know they can tell my nana(not legally) anything I say. Then sometimes I think I wish I had sometimes to just let it all out to(therapist). I don't know. I'm messed up.

Ahhhh the crying has finally stopped. This blog is just me letting it all out....well not all but alot. Guess I just needed to tell it???Don't know but made me feel a little better in some ways.